How Parents Can Deal With
Troubled Teens
The gateway to adulthood - every parent's nightmare. As we all know, the only way out is through. Hence, adolescence. The most intricate, complex period of one's existence, the one that never ceases to astonish us. The one we never forget. It's demanding. It's challenging. And it's anxiety-inducing. A child's adolescence is riddled with uncertainty, and we can't help but mutter under our breath something along the lines of: "What if I failed as a parent? What if I have, in reality, created a monster? Am I a monster? Who are they? Who am I? What's happening? What will happen next? There's no surviving this. I see no way out. What am I doing wrong? Help me." The good news? You're not alone. It takes some getting used to. Let's talk. That is how parents can deal with troubled teens. (and rehabilitate their sanity)
"This way"
Guidance is imperative in adolescence. But we don't want to force it. Instead of imposing and demanding, we should learn to accommodate teens evolving personalities. Adolescents undergo tremendous physical, mental, emotional, and social transformation (and lightyear fast, may we add). The trajectory to adulthood is no express train; it has its inherent detours, and the landscape our child travels is often serpentined, riddled with hairpin turns and countless obstacles. Raising a teen is a daunting endeavor. Although seemingly impossible, coping with their non-linear growth is indeed possible. Reminder: You're not in the driver's seat. Reminder no. 2: Whatever the result, you are culpable. We're not saying helicopter parenting is the way to go. Teenagers need autonomy. So, how do we give it to them? Trust the process? Find the perfect balance formula for parenting?
Open communication channels
There's no way around it. Do the talk. Sure, the innocent dialogue days may be gone, long gone. The naive "tell me why" questions, their ever-radiant curiosity, followed by contentment nods. Now it's door slam this, door slam that, "F" words echoing to and fro like a mosquito swarm on a sultry summer night. Ah, the insult tier has arrived. - And now, as parents, we feel insulted. Think of it in a cosmically comical way - the tables have turned. It's our turn to experience the receiving end role of the parent-child dynamic. All the same, covering encroaching, difficult topics that invite vulnerability is anything but pleasant or joyous. But is it necessary? - Absolutely. There's no shying away from the "accumulating rug,"; not if you want a meaningful connection with your teen.
"But they said: "I hate you!" - and we say - Boo-hoo. So what? You're an adult. For the sake of your child's mental and emotional stability, why not provide that wiggle room without enforcing the punishment reflex? They don't know why they're upset with us. They don’t understand why they're so angry. Give it time. And give them space.
No circling around the "elephant"
A teenager won't be thrilled about indulging in a lengthy dialogue about uncomfortable topics like drugs, alcohol, sex, and other risky behavior. - And neither will the parent. It's a lose-lose situation. Why? Because it's bound to hurt both parties. Most likely. However, as parents, we shouldn't try to avoid the elephant in the room but confront it. Just because they don't want to talk doesn't mean they don't have to. Is our child a stranger to some of the most common gateway drugs? Do they smoke marijuana? They need to be familiar with these drugs - and so do we. (Parents, do your research) Instead of shying away from asking them questions, ensure they know you're their trusted source of information. You're their Wikipedia. But better. The last thing we want is for our children to get misleading information from the internet or their friends.
Tips on how parents can deal with troubled teens
Communication is key. The pillar. The base. Would we instead embrace sleepless nights (what are they up to, are they doing drugs, are they binge drinking or having unprotected sex?) OR open our communication channels and give it our all to win their trust? Here are some tips:
Active listening
Rather than teaching them a lesson, we should redirect our focus to listening. Let them talk. Give them the noninvasive space they desperately need, where prejudice and condemnation take leave of absence, and nothing is waiting for their monologue but open arms. Practice open-ended questions. Don't interrupt. Be curious. Get familiar with their reason.
Mutual respect
Whatever you do, don't belittle them. Yes, they're our babies; they will always be our babies. But, the "I'm the smart one, the older one" narrative can only backfire. Showing them the same respect as if we're talking to an adult (an experienced one) can propel them to open up, as they will feel more confident and appreciated. Their voice and opinion count. And that's all the stimuli they need for effective dialogue.
Yes to affirmation
Before we turn to family counseling, we should try these three steps. The steps are fairly straightforward: active listening, mutual respect (with a healthy dose of empathy), and affirmation. Positive reinforcement/feedback can truly be a game changer. Suppose we offer our support and praise (persistently, continuously). In that case, our children will become more confident and self-nurturing, and the open communication channel will also encourage the momentum of the child-parent flow. Practice saying, "Thank you for sharing this with me. Thank you for letting me in and trusting me."
Don't waive the consequences
Our parental judgment is easily clouded by guilt (the "being culpable" part). Whatever the case, our feelings of parental inadequacy shouldn't get in the way of them feeling and accepting the consequences of their actions. As unjust as it may seem, self-accountability is how we learn things. All actions have consequences. And they better learn it sooner than later.
Final words
Lastly, this is how parents can deal with troubled teens: love. Unconditional love. Tell them; they may pretend not to care or respond by saying "F" to you, parent. Don't let it sting. Love them no matter what. Adolescence can only last for so long.